what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.