Kiss
Puke
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
