Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
