just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
