Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
