"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
