I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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