why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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