My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
