while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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