i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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