Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
