we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
