How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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