just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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