I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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