Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
