Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
