I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.