Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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