tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
