i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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