I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
