You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
