I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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