Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
