8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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