You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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