Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
