Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
