it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
