6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you had me at cake vodka
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
