Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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