great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way