my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet