How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.