i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.