Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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