How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize