Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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