false alarm. still invincible.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
