My liver just broke up with me...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
