I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
