I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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