I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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