I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
