U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
