The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
