He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dear god my vagina.
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