God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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