Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
