peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
