My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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