I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
