i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?