if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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