It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
